Introduction and Standing on Your Own After Mormonism

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Stephenie Larsen [00:00:40] About 15, 20 years ago, Mish and I decided we no longer believed in our religion and we had a plan. We were going to go and fake it until our last kid left our house. 16 years later. I am so thankful for so many people here and I will say especially John and Marky for helping us realize that we could move on. We could have a great life after Mormonism. And we weren't alone.

Stephenie Larsen [00:01:17] You know, I will probably never talk in front of another group that I admire so much either. People in this room, we once thought we were extremely right about something. And we had the courage to look and to make the hard decisions it took to be authentic and to decide maybe we weren't so right. I think that says a lot about everyone in this room and I'm very humbled and proud to stand in front of you.

Stephenie Larsen [00:01:53] So Maya Angelou said, you are only free when you realize you are brave. Sorry that you belong no place. You belong every place, no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great. As Mormons, we belonged. We were part of the only true church on Earth. We were 16 million strong. That was being part of something larger than ourselves. And then all of a sudden, we're out. We no longer fit in and we're wrong for not fitting in.

Stephenie Larsen [00:02:24] Maybe while I'm talking. Oops, I gotta remember. I gotta click. Oh, boom. You'll be thinking about what belonging means to you. So Mitch and I are living in Provo. About a decade ago, we've decided we need to take a break from church. We're scared to death.

Stephenie Larsen [00:02:45] We're outside of the community we love. All of a sudden, we know nothing. When before we thought we knew everything. We had six kids, ages 12 to 2. We were that good of Mormons, and we were scared to death. We had no idea how to parent without the structure of the church. And how do you teach morality without the fear of God?

Stephenie Larsen [00:03:12] It felt uncomfortable and we were out of sorts. I felt like I had walked into an untamed wilderness. I really struggled for years. Let's see I think I'm on the next slide. I gotta remember my slides. Boom. Okay.

Stephenie Larsen [00:03:30] I struggled for years. I made the assumption that everybody thought that we were dark, that we had been led astray by the adversary. I felt people pitied me, and I felt a lot of shame for that. After five years of not attending church, not one person had ever asked me, why aren't you going anymore? I always felt like it was the elephant in the room, and it made me feel completely alone.

Stephenie Larsen [00:03:55] During the same time, I was learning that suicide is the leading cause of death for our youth in Utah and that our LGBTQ youth are three times more likely to take their lives than their straight peers. And the numbers are staggering.

Stephenie Larsen [00:04:10] I started. Let's see, I started wondering if these queer youth felt as I did, that they were outside of the community they loved, judged, and misunderstood. Did they think if people knew my heart, they would know I was good?

Stephenie Larsen [00:04:27] I decided that something needed to be done, and I had this crazy idea that I could do something about it. That was the beginning of Encircle. This is the house the Alden's bought for us in Provo. We opened this in Provo on Valentine's Day 2017. The house got so full that we opened up a house on Valentine's Day 2019 in Salt Lake City.

Stephenie Larsen [00:04:58] This Valentine's will open up this little house if it shows up in St. George. Oops, let's see if I can go back, because it's cute. This house is not straight. Like, literally, it's so old, it's crooked. Anyway, you're not going to see it. So you'll have to come to the grand opening and see it.

Stephenie Larsen [00:05:14] And we're hoping that on Valentine's Day 2021, we'll be opening in Logan. So initially, Encircle was about suicide prevention. And then I got to know the youth. These brave, loving, forgiving, talented people. If they grew up in a community that loved and supported them, they would be the leaders of our community, and we would all be the better for it.

Stephenie Larsen [00:05:45] Quickly, Encircle's mission became from merely keeping youth alive, but to helping them thrive. Our mission became to bring the family and community together to enable our youth to thrive. And we use the approach of no sides, only love.

Stephenie Larsen [00:06:01] Jacob Dunford, who John mentioned earlier, a young 21 year old kid at the time who was gay. When we needed a slogan for how are we going to fit in across the street from the Provo Temple and be a place of love and a real resource for the community, he realized that was the Only approach we could take. And that's the approach we try to stick with at all. Encircles homes at all times.

Stephenie Larsen [00:06:27] Oh, I gotta hit the right buttons. Boom. Okay. So at each encircle house, a lot goes on. It's a safe space for 850 individuals per month. At each house, we do 48 friendship circles a month, 35 programs, and over 500 sessions of therapy.

Stephenie Larsen [00:06:50] Everything that we do in the home is designed to instill four qualities that social science has shown that all individuals need, not just those who are lgbtq. I want to do a quick dive into those, because I think if we are experiencing something like losing our faith, strengthening these skills can help us become better people, create belonging within ourselves and with others and find meaning and purpose in life.

Authenticity and Finding Your Inner Voice

Stephenie Larsen [00:07:19] The first idea is authenticity. What does it mean to be authentic? To be authentic with others or to be authentic with ourselves? The beautiful part is that it can mean something different to everyone. The core is that we show up as ourselves, whomever we are, and whatever that looks like.

Stephenie Larsen [00:07:38] I have often thought about how difficult it was for me to come out of a religion or and to admit to my family and friends that I no longer believed. Can you imagine the courage it takes when you're 18, 12, 13 years old, and you come out as LGBTQ?

Stephenie Larsen [00:07:55] I tell these kids I didn't dare be authentic until I was 40 years old, and I think I've grown and stretched a lot since then. I cannot imagine who these fierce and courageous youth will be by the time they are our age.

Stephenie Larsen [00:08:15] I'm going to quote Brene Brown a lot, because I'm a freak of hers. To be authentic, we must cultivate the courage to be imperfect and vulnerable. We have to believe that we are fundamentally worthy of love and acceptance, just as we are. I've learned that there is no better way to invite more grace, gratitude, or joy into our lives than by mindfully praying, practicing authenticity.

Stephenie Larsen [00:08:39] I have seen this in my own life and in the life of my families. As soon as we started standing alone and living authentically, we all started standing a little taller. And as a family, we started standing closer together.

Stephenie Larsen [00:08:55] I think it is a fascinating time to be a Mormon. As we live our authentic lives, we give others permission to live their authentic lives as well. Okay. Second, connection. I believe connection is probably the most important thing that encircle is giving the youth. We provide the space, and they provide the connection that is saving lives.

Stephenie Larsen [00:09:25] Instead of staying home in their rooms and feeling shame for who they are, these kids show up in encircle and they look around the house and they see other beautiful, amazing individuals just like themselves. And all of a sudden they think, maybe I'm okay too.

Stephenie Larsen [00:09:38] They develop community again. And then the volunteers show up and they let them know that the community cares about them, too. Losing your tribe is painful and lonely. I remember feeling like I would never have a group of friends again.

Stephenie Larsen [00:09:56] I'm grateful to say that I have the most meaningful relationships of my life. I. I have surrounded myself with people who are athonic, and I can be just as I am with them and they still love me. I am so grateful for groups like Waka Mama, Dragons, Mormon Stories, and events like Thrive. And I'm thrilled that many people have found their tribe at Encircle.

Stephenie Larsen [00:10:19] Connection is not just about being longing in a group. It's about connecting with ourselves, loving ourselves just as we are. How many of you bought into the notion that you are the natural man and an enemy to God?

Stephenie Larsen [00:10:33] I certainly did. I looked to the world for answers and validation. I never looked inside for answers. The result is I had a lot of insecurities and I needed to be perfect, and I struggled with perfectionism. I truly was afraid if I didn't stay close to the church, I would end up in the dark and lonely wilderness.

Stephenie Larsen [00:10:56] And in the wilderness, I would do horrible things like drink coffee, go skiing on Sunday, and even listen to Mormon story podcasts. Sorry, John. So one day, about a year after we quit attending church, I had this really simple aha moment. While standing in my kitchen. In a moment of self reflection, I start thinking, I always want to do good. I'm always trying my hardest to do the best I can. I try to love other people. And then I realize it wasn't the church that gave me that.

Stephenie Larsen [00:11:37] That was part of me. And I know that seems really simple, but it was the first time I ever got it before I was taught that I was innately flawed, being everything I did and every decision I made fell short of the glory of God. In reality, I am a powerful individual who has good desires and makes good decisions. I have the power and independence to make my own decisions and to make my world better for myself and others.

Stephenie Larsen [00:12:06] Each of us have that power and the ability to trust ourselves and to look forward to what resonates with us and makes us feel present, content, and whole. From this moment, my confidence started to grow a little bit, my love for others grew, and I started realizing that almost everyone's doing their best and we're doing we have the best intent.

Stephenie Larsen [00:12:39] Just like the LGBTQ Community comes into this world and they should be who they are. I think we too come into this world to be just as we are. When we love our whole selves, we are powerful. Brene Brown Again, we confuse belonging with fitting in. But the truth is that belonging is just in our heart. And when we belong to ourselves and believe in ourselves above all else, we belong everywhere and nowhere.

Stephenie Larsen [00:13:16] Okay? Third, positive emotional experiences. It is vital for everyone who wants to live a happy and healthy life to daily feel emotions like happiness, excitement, joy, hope and inspiration. Encircle provides programs and events partially to give these youth something to look forward to, something to keep them alive.

Stephenie Larsen [00:13:42] We hope that if we help them develop skills and talents that they will have things in their lives that bring them confidence and joy. We may feel lost as we lose our religious beliefs. We have dedicated our lives to this church and all of a sudden we've got a lot more time, which is three times more time and about 10% more money to find new hobbies, talents, interests. I think it's exciting.

Stephenie Larsen [00:14:14] I hope that we'll use our time wisely and feel the joy in that experience. Fourth, at Encircle, we spend a lot of time working on communication and emotional coping skills. These are important to help the youth and their families navigate complex relationships with church and family. Leaving a religion also makes it so. Our family relationships are more complex. It requires us to have better coping and communication skills.

Stephenie Larsen [00:14:44] I love that it encircled There is no stigma around going to therapy. Do we give ourselves that type of self care? Do we work on our coping skills? Are we learning to love ourselves better? As a woman in the church, I always tried to make myself small.

Stephenie Larsen [00:15:04] I'm still working on feeling okay about having an opinion and being strong. Mitch tells me I have plenty of opinions. A little aside on being a woman in the church. When I had my first child, I quit working and it was really difficult.

Stephenie Larsen [00:15:27] I think I definitely lost myself for many years trying to do what I was told to do. When I started in circle, I felt tremendous guilt for leaving my children at home more often than before and having other interests.

Stephenie Larsen [00:15:46] Now I look back and I think how grateful I am that the last few years, my daughters especially have been able to see me do something hard and maybe unpopular. Before that, they had seen me vacuum and do the dishes. And.

Stephenie Larsen [00:16:09] That's just one of the things that I'm really grateful for on my personal journey. Gosh, I'm not giving a church talk. This should be fun. Okay. The church provides the structure that helps us develop many skills but still, how crazy is it that with my first children, I used to teach them almost from birth that they needed a savior to be whole and that they should always look to an organization to find answers. And obedience was first.

Parenting, Connection, and True Belonging

Stephenie Larsen [00:16:52] A quick story about my son, Will. Will's our fifth child. In his first two months of first grade, he had gone to the principal's office three times. None of our other kids had ever been yet. So I decided I'm going to try out my new parenting skill, or parenting beliefs on Will. So I go into the bathroom with Will, and I'm like, hey, Will, do you know how amazing you are?

Stephenie Larsen [00:17:17] You are so kind and wise, and you make good decisions. And I tap him on the chest like this and tell Will, just always look inside. You are so wise. You know what to do. And Will lit up.

Stephenie Larsen [00:17:37] He got it. He felt was one of the more beautiful experiences of my life. Okay, so I thought we'd solved our principal problems. And literally about two weeks ago, I'm driving my two youngest to school, and I hear Will in the back say, hey, Wyatt, how many times have you been to the principal's office this year? And I look forward and just kept driving, so I don't know if it works, but let's see.

Stephenie Larsen [00:18:09] Okay. The exciting thing is none of these traits need to be mastered. We will continue to grow and learn and change, and I think that is very exciting. I no longer consider what I went through to be a faith crisis. To me, it is now an awakening.

Stephenie Larsen [00:18:36] The world is more interesting and beautiful. Isn't it fun to reconsider old paradigms? I love no longer having all the answers. I love to look out into the world and try to find God on my terms. I love that I am good enough just because I am.

Stephenie Larsen [00:18:55] I think our kids are better off and our family is closer because of the leap of faith we took. My challenge to all of us is that we don't throw away all the good things we've learned in Mormonism. It made us who we are. Let's take those things that we learned that were so good and combined it with being authentic, finding new purpose and meaning in life.

Stephenie Larsen [00:19:18] When we see problems in the world, let's not just complain about it, but do the work to change them. We can be the answer to the wrongs. We can be the change we want to see. Let's move forward with excitement for the whole new world that's in front of us.

Stephenie Larsen [00:19:35] In the beginning, we talked about belonging. I hope you've been considering what that means a little bit to you. I want to conclude by another quote from Brene Brown. Let's see. I gotta find it here. Okay. True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone when necessary. But in a culture that's rife with perfectionism and pleasing and with the erosion of civility, it's easy to stay quiet, hide in our ideological bunkers, or fit in, rather than show up as our true selves and brave the wilderness of uncertainty and criticism.

Stephenie Larsen [00:20:28] The wilderness is an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. But it turns out to be a place of true belonging. And it's the bravest and most sacred place you'll ever stand. Thank you.

John Dehlin [00:20:53] Thank you for joining us today on Mormon Stories. If you enjoyed this episode, please help us make more like it by becoming a monthly subscriber@mormonstories.org Sam.

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