Periodically on Mormon Stories Podcast I try to interview “normal” or everyday Mormons about their faith journey – and in every case these “normal” Mormons turn out to be extraordinarily thoughtful and courageous. Today’s interview is no exception to this rule.

Today on Mormon Stories podcast I am interviewing Kalin Orgill Organ. Aside from Kalin being a super thoughtful and courageous human, Kalin’s story includes several important themes in modern Mormonism:

  • Kalin was raised in an orthodox Mormon home in California and in Highland, Utah – with seven siblings.
  • She was sexually abused as a child, which possibly awakened her to her own sexuality early than other children.
  • She began masturbating as a girl, before she even knew what the term meant.  This instigated a multi-year effort between herself, her parents, and her Mormon bishop to try to stop the behavior, and to become “worthy” in God’s eyes.
  • Kalin “lost her virginity” as a Mormon teen, which, along with her inability to stop masturbating, only made her feel less worthy.
  • Kalin had doubts/questions as a Mormon teen, and even listened briefly to Mormon Stories podcast PRIOR to serving her mission.  She fought hard to gain a testimony while on her mission.
  • Over time, three of Kalin’s siblings came out to her as LGBTQ, which multiplied her confusion and doubt.
  • After returning from a successful Mormon mission, Kalin married her husband Aaron in a Mormon temple, wherein they became to onlookers the “perfect Mormon couple.”
  • Over time, after a lifetime of struggling to feel worthy, Kalin’s doubts began to consume her, and she began to contemplate suicide as a Mormon wife and mother of two children.
  • Kalin is currently navigating a mixed-faith marriage, and remains an active non-literal believer in her Salt Lake City ward.

This is Kalin’s story – how she lost her orthodox Mormon faith, but found herself (and her own voice) in the process.

You will not be disappointed with this interview. I hope you will join us. And please spread the word if you can!

Part 1: Kalin describes a Mormon adolescence full of guilt and shame around her sexuality

Part 2: Kalin struggles with doubt and LGBTQ issues, but chooses to “repent” and serve a Mormon mission

Part 3: Kalin gets married, becomes the “perfect Mormon couple,” and then privately faces more serious doubts

Part 4: Kalin battles depression and suicidality due to her Mormon faith crisis

Part 5: Navigating a mixed-faith marriage, a mixed-faith family, and church activity as a “nuanced” believer

Part 1: Kalin describes a Mormon adolescence full of guilt and shame around her sexuality

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Part 2: Kalin struggles with doubt and LGBTQ issues, but chooses to “repent” and serve a Mormon mission

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Part 3: Kalin gets married, becomes the “perfect Mormon couple,” and then privately faces more serious doubts

Download MP3

Part 4: Kalin battles depression and suicidality due to her Mormon faith crisis

Download MP3

Part 5: Navigating a mixed-faith marriage, a mixed-faith family, and church activity as a “nuanced” believe

Download MP3


  1. Monique March 30, 2020 at 12:03 am - Reply

    Thank you John and Kalin for this amazing interview – it resonated with my soul on such a profound level! Kalin put to words the deep feelings in my heart. You have been so validating to me! I appreciate your integrity, your honesty, your transparency and your tremendous courage. Although my story is a little different, we have traveled through the same rooms of doctrinal diligence and the blackness of hell though this faith transition/enlightenment. Thank you so very much!

  2. Garth March 31, 2020 at 4:15 am - Reply

    Oh my goodness!!! I still have one more episode to go, but I just have to stop and say what a courageous, thoughtful, and articulate being you are!!! To be 26 years old and to be able to fluently and easily express what it has take 66 years for me to arrive at. This is a podcast that I believe my true, believing, member wife might possibly be able to handle at some future date if she ever gets to a space of having a bit of cognitive dissonance. Until then, I’ll just hold it in reserve. Thank you for being on Mormon Stories!!!

  3. Garth March 31, 2020 at 11:22 am - Reply

    Just finished the last episode. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you! Your sharing resonated on so many levels!

  4. Deena Hunt March 31, 2020 at 9:29 pm - Reply

    Thank you so very much for sharing with us your experiences. I admire your strength and willingness to be vulnerable as you share your journey. I have a small brochure ( program) from a Mother’s Day program with a copyright dated 1930. It has a photo of Helen Mar and also a story written by her. I would like to share this document with you. In so many ways Helen Mar Kimball is my hero. She sacrificed her very hopes of love and happiness for something that she was led to believe would save those she loved most for time and all eternity. If I had to choose just one truth claim that broke my shelf it would be polygamy. I was divorced after forgiving my husband of 31 years for his affair just 7 years into our marriage, I tried to be Christlike and forgive and keep my eternal marriage and family together only to have him leave me saying he could be happier with someone else because he didn’t hurt them like he hurt me. Since our divorce he has remarried in the temple which makes me the polygamist wife for eternity. It bothered me that we were still sealed and I wasn’t eligible for a sealing cancellation. I started researching polygamy which has led me deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.

  5. Maggie Rayner April 1, 2020 at 8:33 am - Reply

    Thank you Kalin for so articulately describing your journey out of systemic shaming to the wholeness of claiming your own authority. I was blown away by the insights you have at such a young age. It has taken me many more years, having come from a Mormon generation with no CES letter, no Mormon Stories, and no Thinker of Thoughts. The majority of the few who questioned Mormon doctrine and authority remained silent or quietly slipped away. Kudos for your courage in sharing so intimately, and for your willingness to shine a light for others.

  6. CRAVE April 1, 2020 at 4:22 pm - Reply

    Thank you for this podcast. Your vulnerability, transparency, and honestly about your experiences resonated deeply with me on every level. As a 46 year old woman who spent her life with depression either fixated on my past and feeling “unworthy” or anxiety ridden over the future eternities and feeling “unworthy”. And then just flat out 20+ years of crushing scrupulosity….to the point of being a suicidal mom of three… over “worthy”. I’ve come to detest the word “worthy”. I’ve had to reconstruct everything personally.

    I still have my big toe in…. but I do things on my own terms now to avoid triggers and be cautious with my psychological well being. My faith transition is still an ongoing process.

  7. C. Smith April 1, 2020 at 10:54 pm - Reply

    Kalin, You are wise and so articulate beyond your years. I just finished all 4 hours and I am amazed at your courage and vulnerability. Thank you for having the bravery to share your story.

  8. DEE ROCK April 2, 2020 at 11:21 am - Reply

    Kalin, thank you so much for sharing your story. I identified with so many of your challenges. I too recall having to miss temple baptisms while all my friends went- because I was struggling with occasional masturbation. I also had to wait to put in my mission papers because my bishop was so obsessed with this particular subject. I got choked up when you talked about wanting to go back and give the younger version of yourself a hug. I totally identify with this and wish I could go back and do the same for the good young boy I was. Thank you Kalin and thank you John for all you do to help folks like myself heal.

  9. JC April 2, 2020 at 12:22 pm - Reply

    Kalin, I just want you to know that you have expressed every feeling I have been having for several years now. What is more impactful is that we are related…, closer than you know. I hope to some day have the courage to express myself as you have so eloquently. Bless you and your family

  10. Lory April 4, 2020 at 8:21 pm - Reply

    Kalin, during all of Part 4, it could have been me describing my faith crisis and my thoughts about honesty, polygamy, God, and Church history. I kept responding, “yes,” “yes,” “yes,” and “yes.” We’ve walked a similar path in many ways. More power to you! I’m happy that you have arrived at the other side. Keep growing.

  11. Lory April 4, 2020 at 8:49 pm - Reply

    I want to add that your experience is the first time I’ve had a glimpse of how a person could remain active after a faith transition. I felt as though I was going crazy as I continued to attend church, and I had to stop.

  12. Donny Helvey April 12, 2020 at 3:49 pm - Reply

    I have listened to every mormon stories podcast. That was by far was the best one yet. It resonated with me. It was so authentic and helped me with my pains. I sent it to my wife and she loved it also!! Thank you so much, Kailin, for being so open and honest!

  13. Marsha April 18, 2020 at 1:52 am - Reply

    Kalin –

    As a never-been-a- Mormon who has stumbled upon Mormon stories, I just want to tell you that I loved hearing your story. As others have said, you are bright and articulate. I admire you for speaking so openly about all you have gone through. There is much even never-been-a-Mormons can learn from you. Thank you!

  14. Jennie May 4, 2020 at 5:35 pm - Reply

    Wow, where can I find that talk you reference at the start of section 5? It is just exactly what I needed to hear today!

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