Introduction to Resilience and Connecting Across Differences

Christian Moore [00:00:00] Sa. Now this is a subject matter that I was kind of forced to speak on. Over the last few years, last 20 years, I've spoken on resilience around the world and people started saying to me, christian, how do I have a resilient relationship with people I don't like or have different views than me or different perspectives or different beliefs? And I didn't really have an answer. I'd quickly say, you need unconditional love. And just kind of had kind of a soft answer.

Christian Moore [00:00:55] And then I had the opportunity over a couple year period to be mentored by about 50 people in this room. And I wish I could mention all 50 people, but I just want to mention a couple people. I would not be able to give this speech on connecting with and serving and understanding opposite perspectives. Had these people, and some of them, they might not realize how much they mentored me, but maybe listening to them on podcasts or personal conversations with them, I learned what it means to really understand the opposite side. And. And again, I wanna kinda dedicate this talk to these people who, again, who gave me this information.

Christian Moore [00:01:27] And I've been very blessed to literally share this with hundreds of thousands of people around the world. But it's born out of us in this room. And so I can tell you right now, already thrive is impacting many, many people around the world. And this is Margi. And John gave me huge insight on unconditional love. Steve Holbrooke. Is Steve Holbrooke still in the house somewhere? Steve Holbrooke is a powerful, powerful of unconditional love. Paul Hacking, Clint Martin and John Hamer, all of these people, I would not have the insights I have. And I want to go out on a limb and John will probably kill me for doing this, but I've had hundreds of discussions with John and there's nobody who cares more about advocating for the opposite view than John Delinin.

Christian Moore [00:02:16] In social media, different places, sometimes people don't understand that. But I can tell you guys from kind of taking you behind the scenes, these people I just mentioned, all these people I just mentioned would probably literally give up their life.

Christian Moore [00:02:29] Sorry. To support people who have complete opposite views than themselves. And if every world religion would have John Dehlin's view of literally sacrificing and advocating for the opposite perspective, this world would be a completely different world.

John Dehlin [00:02:46] So.

Christian Moore [00:02:46] So if you all give him a hand, I'd appreciate that on that sacrifice there. I have spent my entire life, entire life looking at both sides of a coin and immersed in complete opposites. The universe must have known I am the most judgmental, biased human being on the planet and I needed some extra help. And trust me, the universe gave me some massive exposure to opposite views and I wanted to share a few of my experiences. As a child, I spent time raised in an African American home outside of Baltimore. As a teen, I spent time being raised by my grandparents in Provo.

Christian Moore [00:03:34] There are 12 kids in my family. When I was with my grandparents, I was an only child. As a child and a teen, I struggled with basic reading, math and writing skills. I was in special education, K through 12. And that's why you might notice a little ADHD up here on the stage. Anyway, I spent eight years with brilliant PhDs. Very few people with my background get to spend eight years with PhDs. I was illiterate when I was 17 years old. I'm an author and I gave a commencement speech at John Hopkins Institute and in Compton. That's my claim to fame. I don't think anybody else can say that.

Christian Moore [00:04:13] I lived about 21 years on the east coast in Maryland, an extremely liberal state. And I've spent the rest of my life in a more conservative place called Provo, Utah. Do I need to say anything else? So to say I lived in the two Americas is an understatement. When I was 28 years old, I was still struggling to earn a livable wage. Every day I worry about losing this.

Christian Moore [00:04:35] I grew up around extreme, extreme inequality. Today I am a social entrepreneur. I am highly aware of the haves and have nots. I was raised in orthodoxy. Some people would say Today I'm a 50 year old intellectual hippie, but maybe hopefully spiritual hippie. I've learned I can do great service for others. And I also know I can be the most selfish human being on the planet. I. I know I am good at times, bad at times, but most proud to just be called a human. Just to be human and flawed. I'm damn proud of my flaws. I watch CNN and I watch Fox News.

Christian Moore [00:05:14] I like hip hop and I love country. I have spent hundreds of hours with drug dealers on the streets learning about the urban pharmaceutical industry and many, many, many more hours, many hours, thousands of hours with religious leaders, community leaders and business leaders. And I'll tell you right now, I've learned everyone is hustling something.

Christian Moore [00:05:41] My parents. Sorry. My parents had mental health challenges. I'm an LCSW and I even passed most, most mental health evaluations. I'm currently on intense medication for a severe anxiety disorder right this second. All joking aside, my day Job is one of the most highly stressful jobs rated on the planet. And that is public speaking. Do not try this at home. By the way, how are my meds working right now? Now?

John Dehlin [00:06:16] Whoa, whoa.

Christian Moore [00:06:17] I'm losing stuff everywhere. Okay, this may be hard to believe, but at one time in my life I was really, really thin. Weighed about 160 pounds. Today, I'm a foxy, voluptuous hippie hottie. My wife Wendy can tell you she can love me all night long and never love me in the same place twice.

Christian Moore [00:06:41] And by the way, I know what it's like to walk into a store really thin. And I know the social injustice of walking into a store overweight and not getting service. So again, my whole life has been these polar opposites. The only thing I haven't experienced would it be like to be John de Linde and be tall? I've experienced every other opposite except height. For some reason, I'll never experience that.

Christian Moore [00:07:01] But let's be honest. Is he still here? Is Hans Madsen still. He's the best looking fox in the room, right? The best looking person. By the way, Hans Madsen is. He is the real damn silver fox up here in the house. Can I get an amen?

John Dehlin [00:07:15] Woo.

Christian Moore [00:07:16] That's what I'm talking about. I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. All right? That's the only rogue I'm going to do. Everybody relax. I'm not going to do anything else.

John Dehlin [00:07:31] All right?

Lessons From Two Million Miles of Listening

Christian Moore [00:07:32] The following is what I have learned after visiting over 2000 cities of around the world and traveling over 6 million miles across this country. Around the world. I've never seen these other people or others. The Native American educator and author Richard Twist said, you can't have unity without diversity.

Christian Moore [00:07:58] Unity is not a group of voices singing the same note. It is a choir of diverse singing in unified harmony. In order to sing in harmony, we have to truly hear each other. But too often we don't listen to people who have different or even opposing views.

Christian Moore [00:08:18] To sing in harmony, we need freedom of thought and expression. It's painful for all of us when we are rejected or persecuted for expressing an unpopular view. But diversity of views is key in avoiding group think that crushes unity.

Christian Moore [00:08:39] This too often causes us to sometimes see others as less than and often not even worth listening to. One of the most belittling feelings I've ever felt is to not feel heard. To be heard and understood is one of the greatest human needs because your views and voice are part of your identity. To deny one's voice and Opinion is to literally deny their humanity. Can I get an amen?

Christian Moore [00:09:08] My life of opposites has shown me that the gateway to unity with all people, all people, especially those with a different view who disagree with my views, is born in the forgiveness and the noble goal of seeking understanding over agreement. But how do we get this understanding over agreement? That's what I want to spend the rest of the time answering. And for me, it starts with being resilient. So I get my presentation back up there to being resilient. Resilience is the ability to bounce back. And to bounce back, you have to be flexible. And especially in relationships.

Christian Moore [00:09:47] The first step that I teach in being resilient, to create a lasting, resilient relationship with someone with a different perspective, is, of course, we have to start with unconditional love. You know, as a business owner, sometimes I have to be unconditional. If my employees don't do A, B, or C, I might have to fire them, let them go. It's a conditional relationship. If this was a workshop about success, I would talk about conditional love. If you want money, power, and control, create a conditional environment. I'll love you if.

Christian Moore [00:10:17] But if you want to help a human being bounce back, we have to create a situation that. That is literally unconditional. If I said to you, write down the three people who you most enjoy being around. They're going to be someone who usually knows your weaknesses and your strengths. You know, I know Hans Matzson here. If I spent the next month with him and he learned all my strengths, all my weaknesses, I know for sure he would never treat me any different. And that's one of the things that creates this unconditional love, this unconditional connection. And I remember the person who really showed me unconditional love is my wife, Wendy.

Christian Moore [00:10:52] She's been married to me for 27 years. Everybody pray for that girl. Anyways, so Wendy, when I was 28 years old, I never made over $6 an hour. And I was like, wendy, look, I might be fun on a date, but if you marry me, your life will be hell. So I quickly broke up with Wendy. And I said, wendy, you want to marry one of these people who work in high tech who can make over $50,000 a year? Functional human beings. So I broke up with her. She came to me a couple days later. She's like, you know what, Christian? I know you're learning disabled.

Christian Moore [00:11:16] I know you're dumb, lazy, rebellious, attitude problem, troublemaker. She gave all my labels. And then she literally got down on one knee and Proposed to me. She's like, christian, if you marry me, I'll support you. I'll take care of you for the rest of your life. I thought to myself, I may be learning disabled, but this homeboy ain't stupid. That is the woman for me, and I married her. I married her because I never. Because I really loved her, because I never had to work another day in my life.

Christian Moore [00:11:41] With my travel schedule, I work over 100 hours a week. So she's very manipulative. She took huge advantage of me. Now, again, if I'm gonna help someone thrive, I'm gonna create an unconditional relationship with them. If I want money, power, and control, I'm gonna create a conditional relationship. I wish I had more time to do this activity with you. But when I do trainings across the country, I'll have people write down all the relationships in their lives that are conditional and all the relationships in their lives that are unconditional. If more relationships in your life are. Are unconditional, it has a huge impact on your anxiety, your depression, your hope about the future, how you see yourself, how you see other people.

Christian Moore [00:12:17] So make sure that you have more relationships in your life that are unconditional than conditional. I think that's one of the reasons we see ex Mormons really thrive over a period of time. You know, right when we first come out, it can be very difficult at times because we're adjusting. But over time, we see some amazing, amazing things we're doing where people are thriving. I really believe it's that unconditional. You just increase tremendously the amount of unconditional love in your life.

Christian Moore [00:12:42] So that's the first thing we have to tap into again, is that unconditional love. The second thing we have to tap into is it's okay to be wrong. I don't know about you all, but I'm in my 50th year. The one thing I know, in my 50th year, I am far more wrong than right. I have spent tens of thousands of hours studying history, psychology, mental health. And the more I study it, the more I realize I'm wrong. I came across a book a few months ago that explained kind of the sociology of being wrong. It blew me out of the water. It was sharing research that, you know, this shouldn't shock anybody here that most human beings will think that 90% of their thoughts are completely right.

Christian Moore [00:13:17] But we can only make the best decisions we can with the amount of information we have. Actually, research shows that people are far more wrong than right. And it's interesting with my kids, once I learned this as I started parenting my kids, when my kids ask me a question about evolution or whatever, I'll tell them three or four different perspectives. I'll say, this is what this community believes about it. This is what this faith believes about it. This is what your dad believes about it. But your dad knows. At 50 years old, I can be wrong and I'm okay. The world, the weight of the world comes off your shoulders when you can be wrong.

Christian Moore [00:13:47] When you're carrying the sword of having to be right all the time, life is much more difficult. But I already know I'm far more wrong than.

Guest [00:13:55] Than right.

Christian Moore [00:13:56] It's okay to be wrong. Can I get an amen? And by the way, I come from generations, especially the middle population above me, literally generations, about seven generations who have never. My great, great grandfather was right. His grandson was right, his grandson was right. And again, my greatest accomplishment is that my children know I am wrong all the time.

Christian Moore [00:14:24] And then the third thing to help us have a resilient, flexible relationship with people is we have to have the ability to hold two or more opposing views. You know, at 50, I've learned that my views and perspective are off again, oftentimes because they're off, because I only have incomplete information if I don't look at something from three or four different directions. I cannot increase the information that I need to make a decision which can have a huge impact on other people. And I. I love to be around people who can see things from multiple, multiple perspectives. And you know, those people I just mentioned at the beginning of my talk, you know, you want to meet someone that understands how to look at something from multiple perspectives.

Christian Moore [00:15:04] John Hamer is one of the greatest examples I've ever seen. If y' all can give him a hand again, I appreciate that. His ability to do that has changed my life and is changing literally thousands and thousands of people's lives around this world and has what they're doing in Canada and what we can do here with thrive, you guys, that is going to be John's work and how he sees this world. Could you imagine if every world religious leader could look through his lens, how healing this world would be? And I think it's going to happen in the next 20. That's going to be your legacy, my friend.

Christian Moore [00:15:36] You all got me fired up. John, am I out of time? Okay, I got seven minutes, according to my. Okay, so the opposite of this is a rigid view, right? And that is I will love you if. When you're around that you need to run, then perspective is of course opposite. I'm right and one view. That is a relationship destroyer. We have to avoid that right there at all costs.

Christian Moore [00:18:19] I know John's dream, my dream, Clint's dream, all of our dreams around Thrive is that one day that the other half of the people in this room are our believing Mormon family and friends are with us here at Thrive. That would be a beautiful thing. Can I get an amen? We gotta bring People together with opposite perspectives. Now how do we get along with anybody? Now this is gonna be the fastest 4 minute version of this. This is about a 45 minute speech from here out. But because you guys are brilliant, everybody wanna buckle up for four minutes. I'm gonna give you, I'm gonna throw up a whole bunch of information on you so we have the way I see, my view is sometimes this massive diamond. Again, I know I'm right. Other people are wrong. The other person's view is even a bigger diamond.

John Dehlin [00:19:02] Right.

Christian Moore [00:19:02] They're more right than me. Maybe. But what's key is these are some of the roadblocks that often cause us to not seek understanding over agreement. Just again, I'm right, you're ignorant. You don't know any better. You want to take something from me. Your view is a threat to my value system. You're just close minded, you have an agenda. It's just your culture, you're selfish and so on. There's hundreds more of these, by the way. Now what we're starting to figure out in our research, we're figuring out, wait a minute. Anytime. This blew me out of the water when I saw this research. Anytime one of these.

Christian Moore [00:19:38] Oh, sorry. Anytime one of these right here shows up, you can start understanding. You can literally start this conversation with an opposite perspective. You can never have this conversation with, with an opposite perspective until one of these shows up. And the first one won't shock anybody. And what's interesting is if you have this first one, unconditional love, you don't even have to get to the other ones. But I know in my family, in certain situations I'm in, I can't get that unconditional love for people to hear my worldview. So what we're realizing is, okay, if you can't do unconditional love, can we get the other perspective to just hear us out because of mutual respect.

Christian Moore [00:20:14] And if you can't get mutual respect, maybe we can hear each other out because we have a reason to care. Like we're going to listen to people whose hair is blue. Whatever the reason they can come up with is irrelevant. Just as long as we're willing to hear the other side, the other perspective, you know, a reason to care. Maybe because your neighbor, you're my neighbor and I can't move. I need you to. Anyways, that's a long story. Okay, out of some curiosity, we might want to connect with someone to hear the other side of a story. Just out of curiosity, out of empathy for others, a willingness to be vulnerable A.

Practical Steps for Building Resilient Relationships

Christian Moore [00:20:46] A desire for connection over fear, a desire for both sides to be heard, and if nothing else, just freedom of speech. What I encourage people to do, though, is we have to make sure that we do these things first. I think sometimes, you know, for me, I know a lot of times I've gotten frustrated with some of my believing family members. I'm like, why won't they just give me this? And then I had a good friend the other day confront me and said, listen, Christian, you have to give that first. And. And because I'm gonna hold us to a higher accountability. Because we understand multiple worlds, we have to lead out with this even more.

Christian Moore [00:21:18] Can I get an amen? Does that make sense? Because we've walked in multiple places, we have a higher responsibility for this unconditional love. And then, of course, we wanna have that hope that it goes both ways. But one way I've learned to get the other side to really hear me out in my perspective is to just tell them that, to lock down on their view. I tell them, whatever your view is, I want you to believe in it more. But let's do this together right here. Everybody catch it. Cause a human being is more likely to share their view if they feel that there's no way that their perspective is gonna be under attack.

Christian Moore [00:21:53] And then understanding over agreement. And I'll just highlight this real quick. These are some conversations you can have. When I'm trying to understand the other side, I wanna lead with, what is their origin story? What's their history? How does your view benefit your life? So no matter what their perspective is, is we can ask these questions. How does it tie back to your values? What does your view mean to you? Emotionally, spiritually, intellectually? And these are unifying questions. And, you guys, this is just the start. We have hundreds of these. I'm literally working on a book right now with hundreds of these different questions and ways we can create these conversations with the opposite perspective.

Christian Moore [00:22:23] You know, let me repeat what I think you said as you shared with me your view. How did I do? Where did I get it wrong? You know, what are our shared values and motives? And we're working on right now, which I'm really excited about, is let's discuss how to celebrate our differences. There's no law in the universe. This may say this on my tombstone. There's no law in the universe that says we cannot celebrate our differences or differentiation. I had John sit down and give me a huge lecture one time on that. That was one of the most powerful things I've ever Learned that ability to celebrate that is so, so powerful.

Christian Moore [00:22:56] And as we hear. I can tell you, I don't wanna speak for John, but I know that is a high, high priority and in his life in the next 20 years. And I want to end with this quick thought right here. Let me see how I'm doing on time. All right? I got two minutes left.

Guest [00:23:11] Two minutes.

Christian Moore [00:23:11] All right. Thank you. Thank you.

John Dehlin [00:23:12] Clint.

Christian Moore [00:23:14] Look, I didn't get this far following rules, all right? So don't get. See, don't worry. I'm the only person you'll have up here who has actually a diagnosed conduct disorder. Everybody else tends to be functional. So, you know, of course, our view is this diamond right here. And we have this ring of empathy that we need to enter into. Or a ring I should. I'm gonna probably change it to a ring of understanding.

Christian Moore [00:23:43] And to enter that ring of understanding, we have to put people first. We're gonna have our view, the things that mean the most to us. But again, there's no law that says we can't have our own die hard view, but at the same time, put another human being first. And the minute we put another human being first, that links us into that understanding. Does that make sense? That ring of understanding?

Christian Moore [00:24:05] And then the next thing we have to tap into is just admit we can be wrong. If we can't be wrong, there's no reason to seek new information to put more effort in. And so again, that ties to that ability to seek new information and then face my fears. And to do any of these things is tremendous vulnerability. It's not easy to do these things. All of us would not be in this room if we were not brave enough to do these things right here. And that's why we're here. But we have to let people. So I tell people, hold tighter to your diamond. I want you to squeeze your view, your diamond, as strong as you can.

Christian Moore [00:24:44] I want you to double back down on your belief system. But I want you to understand my perspective. And the beautiful thing is the minute a person starts to understand another person's perspective, it's going to cause them to change. Does it make sense then? That's why education is the most powerful thing on the planet. It is only through education and new information that we as a people, we as a society progress and grow. To not give access to information is to stop all human progress. Can I get an amen?

Christian Moore [00:25:14] And then, of course, is what breaks these connections? My way or the highway? I'm always right. I know enough and I run away I'm not going to deal with it. I'm going to shut down. I don't want to hear the other side.

Christian Moore [00:25:30] This has to go both ways. This is what breaks the human connection. I'm speaking to an audience that has 10 PhDs in what I'm talking about right now. You guys get this forward, but I know some of you are like, well, duh.

Christian Moore [00:25:44] When I share this across the world, it's unbelievable. Literally thousands of people are coming up to me and saying, christian, oh my gosh, I've never had this question answered. I've been shutting people out. They'll instantly know I'm not taking in new information. I'm always right, and they'll literally. I've had grown men. I had a man in overalls, owns this huge farm. The other day, came up to me, his hand was bigger than my head. He's a religious leader, community leader. And he said, my son has run away from home. I've never, ever. I've created a completely conditional environment in my home. I've never told my son I'm wrong, and I've never looked at things from multiple perspectives as my way or the highway.

Christian Moore [00:26:22] And he said, as soon as my son shows back up, I'm going to walk him through this model and I'm going to let him know, in our house, we're going to be unconditional from now on. In our house, it's okay to be wrong. And in our house, we're going to look at things from multiple perspectives. A couple weeks later, he wrote me a letter and said him and his son are as close as they've ever been. That is the power of literally letting people hold their views, truly understanding their view, and then creating an environment where they'll truly hear our views. And that's what changes the world, is the access to knowledge, the suppression of knowledge destroys human progress.

Closing Thoughts on Unselfish Service

Christian Moore [00:27:04] I want to end with. I want to end with a family friend of mine passed away a couple years ago, and on the back of his funeral program, he just had a few, like, two paragraphs. When I read these paragraphs, it blew me out of the water. I was like, man, that's what I'm trying to say. And the man who wrote this was an incredible, incredible. And some of you might know him, his relatives might even be here. His name's William Dyer, an incredible LDS person and leader. He said, and by the way, this is me on the back of my funeral program as well.

Christian Moore [00:27:44] It said, I believe that all of us, all of us have an unlimited capacity for sharing love with others. This capacity should not, not be limited to family and friends, but to be consistent with the values of service and the crying needs of those we don't know. We all, all of us must expand our circle of love to include many we have never met and after the service, may never, ever see again.

Christian Moore [00:28:18] One's capacity to love is not dependent on, is never dependent on whether others reciprocate the service. Unselfish service means we give to others with no thought, no thought of anything in return. We give because the person with a need is there. Certainly the ultimate goal is to form a society where all have a complete desire to love and serve all others. This is the real mission of thrive. That's why we're in this room and we're going to take it to the world. Thank you.

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